Chapter 6:  Dorje

“Are you sure we gave him the right address?” Olivia asked Alex.


“Yeah,” Alex said.


“How come we don’t see it yet?”


“It’s coming up.  It’s on the right.”


“Are you sure?” Olivia asked.


“Positive,” Alex insisted.  “Ooh, see!  There it is!”


They paid the driver and hopped out.  Olivia held the door open for her as they walked into the antique shop.  “Wow, this place is fascinating,” Olivia mused, looking around.


“Isn’t it, though?” Alex agreed.  “These statues are so beautiful.  I could really use a couple to liven up my apartment.”  She picked up a statue of the standing Tara, a female Buddha representing compassion, protection, and the virtues of success in work and accomplishments.  “Do you like her?” she asked Olivia.


“She’s very beautiful,” Olivia said.  “Where do you plan on putting her?”


Alex shrugged.  “Oh, she could go in the living room, I guess.”  Suddenly, her eye caught a statue a few feet away of Sarasvati, the goddess of knowledge, music, and the arts.  She read the description under her out loud:  “The literal translation of her name is ‘the one who flows.’  She represents fluidity and creativity in literary and verbal skills.”


Olivia grinned.  “She will be great for you in court.  But it’s not like you need any help.  You’ve always been a great orator.”


Alex beamed proudly.  “Why, thank you, Liv.”  She looked at the two statues thoughtfully.  “So I’ll put Tara in my living room and Sarasvati in my home office.”


“Sounds good,” Olivia said.  “Let’s check out the other side of the shop.”


“Ok,” Alex agreed, following her lead.


Olivia walked over to a display table and picked up a bronze object, which was about five and a half inches long and resembled a figure eight.  In the center was a sphere, and on each end of the sphere was an eight-petalled lotus flower.  A central prong emerged from each of the lotus flowers and was surrounded by four outer prongs which curved inward. 


“What is this object?” Olivia asked the proprietor.  “It’s beautiful.”


The proprietor walked over to them.  “That’s the dorje.  Dorje is the Tibetan word for vajra,” he explained.  “It means ‘indestructible.’  It embodies a hardness and brilliance like that of the diamond, which is the hardest substance known to man.  The dorje represents that which is powerful, indomitable, irresistible, and everlasting.  In human nature, it represents the genuine and indestructible elements in man instead of the fallacies an individual creates about him or herself.”


Olivia smiled and thought, Perfect.  She picked up the statue and added it to her basket. 


Alex picked up some incense and held the sticks to her nose.  “Mmm…these smell lovely.”  She held them out for Olivia to smell.


Olivia nodded and added a few sticks to her own basket.  “I agree.” 


“Ooh, Liv.  These rugs are really nice.  I think this one would look great in your apartment,” Alex said, pointing to one in particular hanging on the wall.  The navy rug contained a colorful combination of a phoenix and dragon design.  She leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Especially in your bedroom.”


Olivia smirked.  “I knew you’d say that.”  She pulled down the rug, rolled it, and tucked it into her basket.


After perusing the shop for a few more minutes, they paid for their items.  “So what made you get the dorje?” Alex asked as they exited the shop. 


Olivia smiled.  “It reminds me of you.  You represent all the qualities it exudes.  You’re resilient, irresistible, brilliant, and invincible.  Even a bullet couldn’t destroy your life.”


Alex let Olivia’s words of reverence echo in her mind for a moment.  “It also represents our love,” she stated softly.  “Nothing can destroy it, either.”


“Exactly.  I want you to have this,” Olivia said, holding it out to her.


Alex felt tears prick the back of her eyes as she accepted the dorje.  “Thank you so much.”


“You’re very welcome.”  She placed her hand at the small of Alex’s back as they waited to cross the street.


“Hello Dalai is a couple blocks over.  Hopefully it won’t be too busy,” Alex said.


“I hope not either.  I’m starting to get hungry again,” Olivia responded.


After being seated a few minutes later, they picked up their menus.  “This all looks so scrumptious,” Alex said.


“The Chasha momo is delicious,” Olivia replied.  “We can order it as an appetizer and share.”


“That’s a chicken dumpling, right?” Alex asked.


Olivia nodded.  “It’s my favorite.”


The waitress arrived shortly with their dumplings.  Olivia dipped a dumpling into the sauce with her chopsticks and held it out to Alex.  Smiling, Alex gladly took a bite and licked her lips afterwards.  “You’re right, Liv.  This is really good.”


“Maybe we should start coming on a regular basis,” Olivia suggested.


“Perhaps we should.”


“Are you ready to order?” the waitress asked.


“Yes.  I’ll have the shamdeh,” Alex decided.


“Beef, chicken, or lamb?”


“Lamb,” Alex answered.


“Jasmine rice or tingmo?”


“Rice,” Alex confirmed.


“And what will you have, ma’am?” the waitress asked Olivia.


“Uh...I’ll have the chicken sha logopatsel with jasmine rice,” Olivia answered.


After the waitress left, Olivia reached across the table to stroke Alex’s hand and was taken aback when Alex quickly jerked away.  Alex was embarrassed over being so paranoid, especially when she saw the hurt flash in Olivia’s eyes.  “Liv…”


Olivia’s expression hardened instantly.  “Don’t.”


It’s just like her to not even let me explain, Alex thought bitterly.  She sighed and looked out the window.  They finished the rest of the momo in relative silence.


Conversation had only gotten slightly better by the time their entrées arrived several minutes later.  “Would you like some of my lamb?” Alex asked.


“Sure,” Olivia replied, holding her plate out to Alex.


Alex chewed her food and stared at Olivia pensively.  Olivia pretended to be engaged in her meal, but Alex knew that she was purposely avoiding the issue.  She hated when Olivia closed herself off like this.


Olivia could feel Alex’s eyes on her.  Sighing, she finally looked up to meet them.  “Are you enjoying your meal?”


Alex held her gaze.  “Olivia, you don’t have to pretend what I did didn’t bother you.  I know it did.”


Olivia’s expression hardened slightly again.  “You don’t have to pretend we’re something we’re not.”


Alex stared at her a moment before answering.  “Liv…it was a stupid reflex.  I just want to be discreet, that’s all.”


“I just wish you wouldn’t act like every little drop of affection is going to make people think Alexandra Cabot is a lesbian,” Olivia hissed.


Alex turned red.  “I do not act like that,” she hissed back.  “I’m not opposed to your affection in public as long as it’s subtle.”


“All I wanted to do was hold your hand, not grab you and kiss you,” Olivia retorted.  “But don’t worry.  It won’t happen again.”


Anger flashed in Alex’s eyes.  “Let’s just drop this before the rest of our day is ruined.”


When the meal was finished, Alex gave the waitress her credit card.  After she had taken it and their check away, Olivia asked, “You don’t think we should’ve discussed the bill?”


Alex had to stifle a groan.  “Must you argue about everything, Liv?  I thought I would treat you.  I didn’t think that doing something nice for my…”  She looked around self-consciously and lowered her voice.  “…girlfriend required discussion—or permission for that matter.”


Olivia gritted her teeth.  She hated the way that Alex wanted to try to control every aspect of their relationship like she controlled her cases, but she didn’t want to get into another pointless argument.  “Forget I said anything, Alex.”


Once they were outside the restaurant, Alex said, “Look.  I don’t want us to argue constantly about this.  If you think that this is more than you can handle, then maybe we should just end things now.”


Olivia looked at her in shock.  “Is that what you want, Alex?”


Alex sighed.  “No.  But it’s what I’m prepared to live with if you plan on berating me every time I want to exercise caution in our relationship.”


“Alex, I don’t like arguing with you anymore than you like arguing with me.  But what I dislike even more is feeling that you’re ashamed of us.”


“Olivia, I am not ashamed of us.  I want both of us to be able to live our lives without fear of ridicule or prejudice.”


You mean you want to be able to have your political career without lesbian rumors giving you bad press, Olivia thought dejectedly.  “I understand,” she replied dryly.  She turned away from her and hailed a cab.




For the second time that day, Alex knew that she should try to patch things up to relieve tension between them.  She took a seat beside Olivia on the sofa and gently turned her face toward her.  Brushing her lips across hers, she placed a hand on her neck and leaned in closer.  Olivia’s lips were soft and warm but at first, less than inviting.  She pressed her lips harder against hers, trying her best to convey with a simple kiss just how much she cared for Olivia.  The candid intimacy they shared was unlike that she’d ever had with anyone else, and the last thing she wanted was for Olivia to withhold it because she mistakenly feared it would be unwelcome.


Olivia eventually relaxed into the kiss, but she was still upset about what had happened earlier.  She wished more than anything that they could behave like a real couple around others, but there was no use pushing the issue.  It was just something that she would have to deal with to keep the love of her life a part of her life.  She didn’t like it, but she liked being in Alex’s arms, kissing her lips, making love to her, knowing she could have what no one else could.  Most of all, she loved the feeling of being loved by her.  And she wanted none of that to change, so it was a sacrifice she was willing to make.


“Can we make a pact?” Alex asked.


Olivia smiled.  “Sure.”


“Ok.  Let’s not fight anymore this weekend,” Alex stated, taking Olivia’s hands into her own.


“I’d like that very much,” Olivia said, embracing Alex.  Alex smoothed her hair and kissed her cheek.


“Would you like me to make you some tea?” Olivia asked.


Alex smiled.  “That’d be great.”


As Olivia left, Alex regarded her with concern.  While she was still the same person, there were a few things different about her.  The hardness and the edge that made her unique seemed to have mellowed.  She had noticed it when she came back for the Connors trial, but too much was going on for her to decide if it was because of the trial or something more permanent.  While at times there were glimpses of the fire she knew and loved, her eyes were now tired, and her appearance had become haggard.  Even the confident swagger she was used to seeing had become slightly less pronounced.  Alex hadn’t expected her time in witness protection to take such a toll on Olivia.  It made her even more thankful that she had gotten a chance to tell her goodbye.  She felt that knowing she was alive, safe, and would return someday was probably all that kept Olivia from completely burning out.  Of course, she knew how dedicated Olivia was to the Special Victims Unit, but there was only so much a body and mind could take, especially when such a personal tragedy had occurred.  Olivia didn’t allow herself to get close to many people, and Alex knew that she had opened herself up and been much closer to her than anyone else, including Elliot.  Even her mother’s death didn’t have such a numbing effect on Olivia.


When Olivia returned, Alex took her cup of tea and nodded her thanks.  As she inhaled the rich aromas of the vanilla chai and took a sip, she smiled at Olivia appreciatively.  “You made my favorite.”


“After you first left for the program, I started to keep it around regularly.  There are only a couple places in the Village that carry your favorite brand, so I made sure to stock up.  It’s a relaxing blend, and it made me somehow feel close to you.”


Alex smiled and placed a hand on her knee.  “Oh, Liv.  How I wish I could’ve been here with you.”


Olivia sighed deeply.  “I know.”


After a few more sips, Alex carefully set her cup of tea down on the coffee table and turned to face Olivia.  “Sweetie, have you been taking care of yourself?”


Alex’s question caught Olivia a little bit off guard.  “What do you mean?”


Rubbing her knee gently, Alex explained, “I’ve noticed that you seem so tired lately.  Have you been using your vacation time?”


Olivia scoffed.  “For what?  The unit keeps me sane and it’s not like I have anyone to visit anyway.”


“You need a break, Liv.  I don’t want you wearing yourself out.”  She knew the way Olivia put her heart, mind, and soul into a case because it was always personal to her.  She had been known to work nonstop for several days straight until she picked up a new lead.  She blamed herself when victims died.  She did not need the added pressure of heartbreak and despair weighing on her conscience as well.  However, in her own time at SVU, Alex was usually able to compartmentalize her personal and professional dilemmas better than Olivia was able to, unless of course the professional reinforced the personal or vice versa.  But that still didn’t make personal issues any less prevalent for either of them and it still didn’t change the fact that Olivia was very deeply emotionally connected to her job because of her mother’s rape.  She was afraid that sooner or later, Olivia would suffer emotional overload. 


“Alex, I just need to work.  It keeps me focused and grounded.  When I’m helping others with much bigger problems in life, I have less time to wallow in my own sorrows.  If I didn’t have Special Victims, I’d have nothing.”


Alex leaned in close and tilted Olivia’s chin.  “You have my heart, Liv.  You always have, and that’s never going to change—no matter what happens,” she told her sincerely.


“It’s not the same as having you, though.”


“Liv, would you rather have my body or my heart?” Alex asked.


“Your heart,” Olivia answered.  “But I’d prefer to have both.”


“It’s the intangibles in life that matter the most,” Alex said solemnly, holding her gaze.


It suddenly started pouring outside.  They could see the sheets of rain cascading down the window behind them.  A flash of lightning illuminated the dark sky.  Alex stood up and put the statue of Tara on Olivia’s end table.  “You know…I think she’ll look much better in your place than mine.”


Olivia walked over and placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder.  “Why do you say that?”


“Well…she’s like you.  She’s compassionate and protective.  You’ve spent your whole life protecting others, so now I think you deserve someone who can return the favor.  I want to be able to protect you just as much as you protect me.  Maybe you’ll look at her and think of me.”


“I will,” Olivia said, kissing Alex’s cheek.  She gingerly ran her fingers over the statue.  “The funniest thing about all this is that neither of us are Buddhist,” she continued.


“True, but Buddhism is more of a philosophy, so anyone can find meaning even if they don’t practice it,” Alex replied.


“Well, I blame religion for a lot of things because of the fanaticism of it, but I guess each religion has its strengths and weaknesses,” Olivia remarked.


Alex turned to Olivia and draped her arms over her shoulders.  “Listen…how about we sync our vacation time together and just go someplace?”


Olivia smiled.  “I’d like that.”


Alex ran a hand through Olivia’s tousled locks.  “We can go anywhere you want.”  With a wicked grin, she added, “And we can even stay in bed all day if you want.”


Olivia chuckled.  “You mean if you want.”


Alex looked at the center rug lying on the floor.  “Do you remember that time I made love to you on the rug?”


Olivia looked at the rug and grinned.  “How could I forget?”


With a twinkle in her eye, Alex said, “Let’s remake history.”


“You’re not gonna violate my new rug, too, are you?” Olivia asked with a grin.


“Oh, it’s second on the agenda,” Alex replied, grinning widely and pulling her in for a kiss.




Olivia woke up sometime later to the feeling of a warm, gifted tongue caressing her sex.  She smiled and reached a hand down to investigate.  Her hand met the crisp, white linen that covered her lover’s slightly bobbing head.


“Mmm…what are you doing, baby?” Olivia queried, opening her eyes.


“I’m busy getting a midnight snack,” Alex said, her voice muffled by the sheets.


“Well, in that case, help yourself.  Ooh…a little to the left,” Olivia moaned.


“You like that?” Alex asked, swiping her tongue against her inner folds.


Olivia chuckled.  “You ask it like I’m going to complain.”


Alex laughed softly and shook the sheet off her so it wouldn’t restrict her range.  She partially bent Olivia’s leg and began stroking the back of her knee. 


Olivia moaned while Alex let her fingers glide over her calf.  “That feels so good.” 


“I can’t get enough of the way you taste,” Alex mumbled, probing her center again.


“And I can’t get enough of the way you…ooh, mmm…there,” Olivia breathed.  “Ahh…fuck, baby.”


Alex plunged her tongue as far as it could go inside.  Moving her thumb in circular motions against her clit, she brought her other hand up to massage a breast.


Olivia placed a hand over Alex’s on her breast.  Her whole body was on fire as Alex expertly whipped her tongue around inside her.  Trying not to squirm, she gripped the sheets until her knuckles were white.  I wouldn’t mind waking up to this all the time, she thought as she let herself get lost in pure ecstasy.


Just before Alex gave her release, she left her throbbing sex to lick a line up to her breasts.  As Alex pulled a rock-hard nipple with her teeth, Olivia arched her back to push more of her breast into her mouth. 


“Oh, shit, Alex!” Olivia gasped.


Moving to the other nipple, Alex looked up into Olivia’s eyes with a smile.  As if I need any encouragement, she thought.  She reached down and roughly shoved three fingers into Olivia’s dripping sex.  When her middle finger hit her G-spot, she curved it and stroked the fleshy mass relentlessly until Olivia was quaking violently under her.  Alex swooped down to gently lick the juices from her sex and then came up her body to capture her mouth in a passionate kiss.


It took Olivia several minutes to recover from all her orgasms completely.  Her heart still threatened to thud right out of her chest and she had to force her mind to form coherent thoughts.  The sheets were drenched with sweat underneath her.  However, neither she nor Alex seemed to mind.


Alex tucked her head in the crook of Olivia’s neck and softly stroked her stomach.  “You complete me.”


Olivia smiled down at Alex, whose alabaster skin seemed to glow in the moonlight.  “And you complete me, too.”