Chapter 27:  Collapse

Nick and Olivia went to dinner at Chili’s before heading over to the football game.  Holding hands, they found a seat a few rows from the top of the bleachers.  Elliot turned his head and spotted them from a few rows away, shaking his head.  “Elliot, what?” Kathy asked, leaning forward so she could see why Elliot was shaking his head.  Spotting Olivia decked out in a hot pink blouse that was tied above her navel and black skirt right next to Nick Ganzner, Kathy responded, “Ohh.  I hope Alex doesn’t see them.  They look pretty cozy.”


“Yeah, me too,” Elliot said, turning his head back to the field.


The game slowly progressed, with Madison trailing behind 28-7.  By the beginning of the fourth quarter, it was clear that the Panthers had no chance of making a comeback.  Spotting Alex a few rows down, Olivia turned to smile at Nick and said, “Come on.  What do ya say we get outta here?”


“Fine by me,” Nick said, getting up and following Olivia down the bleachers. 


Alex saw the two of them leaving and choked back tears.  Serena turned her head to follow Alex’s gaze and gently laid a hand on her shoulder.  “Sweetie, don’t worry about them.  Just concentrate on the game, ok?  Don’t let her ruin your night.”


Alex gave Serena a weak smile and responded, “Ok.”




Once they were back in Nick’s car, Nick leaned in to kiss her.  Olivia hesitated at first but soon returned the kiss.  When things started to heat up, Nick broke away and jerked his head in the direction of the backseat.  Olivia nodded and the two of them scrambled to the back.  Nick settled on top of her, running his hands through her hair.


“You know, for awhile I thought you were a dyke because Andy said he caught you fucking Alex Cabot at Matt’s party,” Nick muttered, running his hand under Olivia’s skirt to grip her ass and dragging his tongue up the side of her neck.


Olivia closed her eyes.  “Fuck what Andy said.  All that matters is that I’m here with you now.”


“Do you want me, Olivia?” Nick asked, rubbing her breasts through her shirt.


Opening her eyes, Olivia responded, “Yes.  Yes, Nick.  Would I be here if I didn’t?”  She pulled his shirt over his head.


It’s okay.  We’re not together, Olivia kept trying to tell herself but couldn’t help feeling that she was nonetheless betraying Alex, who still had her heart.  Olivia tried to enjoy herself and get lost in the moment, but no matter how hard she tried to trick her body into feeling pleasure, into truly wanting Nick, she kept seeing Alex’s face in her head.  Trying to push images of a hurt Alex out of her head, she kissed Nick harder, flicking her tongue farther down his throat.


As Nick ran his hands over her and kissed back, she could only think about how rough his hands and lips were.  When he unbuttoned her blouse and grabbed her breasts, she could only think about how his touch lacked the softness and tenderness of Alex’s. 




Meanwhile, seeing that Alex wasn’t going to enjoy the game anymore after spotting Nick and Olivia leave, Serena got up and said, “Come on, kiddo.  Let’s stop and get some ice cream.  Then you can spend the night at my place.”


Alex smiled, standing up and following Serena.  She was grateful to have such a supportive friend.  “Thanks, Serena.”




“Lace.  Nice,” he said, running his tongue across the swell of her breasts.  She shivered involuntarily, repulsed at his touch.  No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get her body to respond like it did with Alex.


Olivia ran her hands over his chest.  “Mmm…” she moaned as he squeezed her breasts in response.  She tried not to shudder again but then realized that he would probably just mistake her revulsion for arousal.


He began to massage her ass.  “You like that?” he asked, moving back up to grope her breasts.


“Yes.  Yes, that feels good,” she lied, closing her eyes.


He chuckled as he moved his hands to her back to unclasp her bra.  Then moving back a little, he unzipped his jeans and tore into a condom packet with his teeth.  “Maybe you should tell your friend Alex how good it feels.  You know…I bet once she’s had a good fucking she won’t be a lesbo anymore.  I’d love to be the one to show her someday.”


Olivia’s eyes flew open.  She pushed him off her, repulsed at what she just heard.  “Stop it.”


“Hey sweetie, don’t get offended.  It was just a joke.”


Olivia eyed him coldly.  “Well, I’m not laughing.”


“Hey, sorry, sorry,” Nick said, kissing her lips again quickly and running one hand over her stomach while using the other to unzip her skirt in back.  When he touched the hem of her panties, she roughly pushed him back again.


“I said stop, Nick!”




As they neared Serena’s car, Serena groaned when she saw that a car was blocking them in, and its occupants were getting busy in the backseat.  She unlocked the door so they could get in then began honking her horn.  After seeing that she was being ignored, she said, “Stay here, Alex.  I’m gonna go knock on the window and tell these idiots to move.”




“Hey, easy now!  I said I was sorry!” Nick said, pushing his weight down onto her again. 


“Get off me, you stupid jerk!”  Olivia could feel his hard-on pressing up against her and shoved her knee up hard into his crotch.  Just then, a car horn started honking. 


“Ow, you stupid bitch!” Nick exclaimed, falling back against the car door. 


Olivia zipped up her skirt then grabbed her purse from the front seat and opened the door to climb out the back.  When she got out, she was face to face with Serena.


“Olivia!  What the fuck?” Serena exclaimed.  Olivia stared at her like a deer caught in headlights.  Upon seeing Olivia get out, Alex jumped out of Serena’s car.


“Alex, what are you doing here?” Olivia asked, her heart dropping about 20 floors.


Alex stared at Olivia in shock, praying it was just a horrible nightmare.  She felt she was going to be sick.  “Funny, Liv.  I could ask you the same thing.  Only my question would be what were you doing here?” Alex said, eyeing Olivia’s smeared lipstick and open blouse, the black lace of her bra jutting out.


“We were about to have some fun before the bitch kneed me in the balls,” Nick butted in, holding a hand over the injured area.


“Liv, what the hell is—?” Alex stopped mid-sentence when she saw the torn condom wrapper drop from Nick’s hand. 


Following Alex’s gaze, Olivia tried to explain, the shame quickly coloring her whole body in a bright flush.  “Listen, Alex.  It’s not what it looks like!  We didn’t have sex.  We just—”


Alex cut her off.  “But you were going to if Serena hadn’t started honking for you to move!”


“Alex…what does it matter?  We aren’t even together!” Olivia shouted, getting on the defensive instead of telling Alex the real reason she didn’t have sex with Nick. 


“Funny that you mention that, Liv.  Because you had no problem being together enough to eat me out Wednesday afternoon,” Alex retorted, not caring at the moment just how vulgar she was being.  Seeing Olivia and Serena gasp and Nick look at Olivia like she was crazy, Alex turned to Nick.  “That’s right, Nick.  Those same lips you were kissing were servicing me a couple days ago.”


“Alex, you bitch…” Olivia started, shaking her head.


“I knew you were a dyke!” Nick shouted, getting glares from all three girls and wiping his mouth in disgust.


Alex turned her head back to Olivia.  “Oh, so now I’m a bitch?  Just because I refuse to hide my sexuality like you?”


“My sex life is none of his business and no longer any of yours,” Olivia said defiantly.


Alex just stared at Olivia for a moment.  “You know, I saw you guys leaving the game together.  You were holding hands with him just like you had with me yesterday.  I can’t believe you did this.  Why do you keep breaking my heart?  Wasn’t once enough?” Alex asked, her voice breaking.


Olivia felt absolutely horrible and softened her tone a little.  “Alex, I wasn’t trying to hurt you.  But you can’t dictate who I choose to sleep with for the rest of my life.  It’s my body.  Mine, Alex.  Not yours.” 


Alex’s anger began to rise.  “You’re nothing but a slut, Liv!  What?  You’re just gonna hop on any guy’s dick just to try to prove you’re straight?” Alex asked incredulously.


Olivia stared at Alex coldly, her shame for hurting Alex and being caught quickly replaced by her anger at what Alex had just said.  “You know Alex, dick’s not so bad.  Maybe you oughta try it sometime,” she said nastily.


Alex’s mouth dropped open.  Her lower lip began trembling as tears welled up in her eyes.  Olivia immediately regretted the words that had so carelessly dropped out of her mouth.  Giving Olivia a glare that she had never seen before, Alex responded coldly, “I fucking hate you, Liv.”


Olivia took a step back, letting a tear fall down her cheek as her resolve faded.  She had expected Alex to cry, curse her out, storm off, maybe even hit her, but she had never expected Alex to say that.  Alex had never said something so cruel to her before.  She could take not being with Alex and not hanging out with her—albeit barely—but she couldn’t take Alex hating her.  No one had ever told her that but her mother.  “You don’t really mean that, Alex.  Right?”


Alex moved right up to Olivia’s face.  “I don’t know what I ever saw in you.  I hate you and I never want to see you again,” Alex stated, the ice of each word stabbing Olivia’s heart.


Olivia started bawling, her heart bursting into a million pieces.  “Baby, no.  Don’t say that.  You don’t mean that.  You don’t!”


“Baby?  Baby?  You come out here to fuck some prick and then you have the nerve to call me baby?  Remember, Liv?  You said it yourself.  We aren’t together.  And now we never will be again.  You have no right to call me that,” Alex said, angry tears streaming down her face.


“But Alex, I love you!  I never stopped.  And I never meant to hurt you.  Please believe me!” Olivia begged.  She took a step closer to her.  “We can still work things out,” she pleaded, desperately searching Alex’s eyes for some sign of forgiveness.


“Shutup!  You don’t do this to someone you love!  I trusted you with my heart and you threw it on the ground and stomped it!  And now you want to work things out?  Not a chance in hell.  Fuck you!”


Olivia shook her head.  “No.  Alex, no.  I’d never do that.  I made a mistake but I’m sorry!  I do love you—more than anything!  Alex, I’d give my life for you!” she cried.


Olivia reached out to Alex, who slapped her hand away.  “Don’t fucking touch me!” she screamed.  Looking down once again at Olivia’s disheveled appearance, Alex snarled, “You’re disgusting.”  As an afterthought she added, “And fasten your bra.”  Then turning to Serena, she said, “Come on.  Let’s go.”


Olivia felt another stab at her heart as she absently reached around to latch her bra back.  She felt as if her lungs were closing in on her.  Alex had yet again said words to her that only her mother had uttered.  As Alex began walking away, Olivia crumpled to the ground.  When Alex got in the car and saw Olivia, she felt a sharp pang in her heart for hurting her this way but refused to give in to her anymore.  The walls to her heart had been erected, and she refused to let them be torn down again.


Nick went over to her and tried to help her up.  Yanking her arm out of his grasp, Olivia got up and said, “Leave me alone!”


“Come on, I’ll take you home,” he offered.


“No.  I’ll call Elliot,” she said, walking in the direction of the bathroom.


Luckily, Elliot and Kathy hadn’t left the game yet.  Seeing that it was Olivia, Elliot accepted the call.  “Hey, I thought you were with Nick.”


Olivia wiped her nose.  Sniffling, she asked in a small voice, “Can you guys give me a ride home?”


Knowing something was wrong, he responded, “Sure, Liv.  What’s wrong?  What happened?”


Olivia burst into tears again.  Elliot immediately became concerned.  “Calm down, Liv.  Calm down.  Where are you?”


“Outside the bathroom.  The one closest to the parking lot,” she managed to get out.


“Ok, Liv.  Ok.  We’ll be right there.”  Grabbing Kathy by the hand, he raced down the bleachers to the bathroom.  When he first saw Liv, a bitter taste hit the back of his throat.  Fearing the worst, he said, “Oh my god, Liv.  Did he—?”


Olivia shook her head and brought trembling fingers to button her blouse which was still open.  “Alex…Alex…” she tried to get out but collapsed into his arms, sobbing on his shoulder.


Elliot held her and rubbed her back.  “Shh…shh.  It’s ok, Liv.  It’s ok.  Don’t cry.” 


Kathy regarded Olivia with a pained look and began rubbing her on the back as well.  “Come on, Liv.  Let’s go get you cleaned up.” 


When they entered the girls’ bathroom, Olivia splashed cold water onto her face.  Kathy rushed to get paper towels.  Thanking her, Olivia took the paper towels Kathy offered her and dried off.  As Olivia ran her fingers through her hair, trying to work out the tangles, Kathy stroked her back gently and asked, “Did something happen to Alex?”


Olivia shook her head.  “Did Nick hurt you?” Kathy continued. 


Olivia shook her head again.  “No, it was the other way around.”


Kathy nodded.  “Come on, let’s go to the car.  You can tell us all about it there.”


Kathy slid into the backseat next to Olivia and put her arm around her.  Olivia sat looking down at the floor, not saying a word.  Not wanting Olivia to be at home alone when she was so upset, Elliot opted to drive to his house instead.


The three of them sat on the porch, no one saying anything for awhile.  Finally, Kathy spoke.  “You know, if you want to talk to Elliot alone, I can go inside.”


Olivia shook her head fervently.  “No.  No.  It’s fine.”


“Are you sure, Liv?” Kathy asked, reaching out to touch her arm.


Olivia forced a smile.  “Positive.”


“So what made you so upset tonight, Liv?” Elliot asked.


Olivia started crying all over again.  “Alex told me she hated me.  She said I was disgusting!”


Elliot hugged her.  “Shh…it’ll be ok, sweetie.”  Kathy got up to get tissues from inside the house.  Bringing them out to her, she took one and began wiping Olivia’s face.


“Why did she say that, Liv?” Elliot prodded.


Olivia balled a tissue up in her hand and took a deep breath.  Letting it out, she began telling them everything that had happened.  “Nick and I were gonna have sex.  It didn’t feel right and I kept thinking about Alex, but I wanted to do it because I was scared of everyone finding out I was gay.  I thought if enough people saw me with a guy, the rumors would stop and everything would go back to normal.  So things were getting pretty intense when he made this really crude comment about Alex.  He said once she’d had a good fucking she wouldn’t be a lesbo anymore and that he’d love to show her someday.  So I got mad and pushed him off me.  I told him to stop, but he started touching me again.  This time I kneed him in the balls and I was getting out of the car when I saw Serena.  Then Alex got outta Serena’s car and all hell broke loose.  As you can probably guess, she was really upset and demanded to know what I’d been doing.  I said we didn’t have sex but that my sex life was none of her business anyway since we weren’t together and she called me a slut, so I told her dick wasn’t so bad and she should try it sometime.”


Elliot and Kathy exchanged glances.  “Uh oh, Liv,” Elliot interjected.


“Yeah.  That’s exactly how I felt.  The minute I said it I wished I hadn’t.  So that’s when she told me she hated me.  I told her she didn’t mean it but she said it again, said she didn’t know what she saw in me, and she never wanted to see me again.  I started crying and begged her to tell me she didn’t mean any of that.  I told her I loved her and I never meant to hurt her but she wouldn’t listen.  I said we could work things out but she said there wasn’t a chance in hell.  She told me not to touch her and called me disgusting.”  Sobbing all over again, she looked at Elliot and said, “Oh god!  What have I done?  What have I done?  I’ve lost Alex for good now and it’s all my fault!  I love her so much, El.  I do.  And she hates me!”


Hugging her to him, Elliot tried to comfort her.  “Liv, Liv.  People say things they don’t mean when they’re hurting.  You know Alex still loves you.”


Olivia shook her head.  “No, El.  You don’t understand.  You should’ve seen the look in her eyes.  I betrayed her.  And she hates me for it.”


“Well, Liv, technically it wasn’t cheating.  You guys weren’t together anymore,” Elliot explained.


“Well how would you feel if you and Kathy broke up and Kathy went off and hooked up with some other guy two days after you slept with her?”  Elliot and Kathy exchanged glances.  “Yeah, exactly,” Olivia said. 


“Wait, hold up.  You and Alex—”  Elliot began.


“Yeah, I slept with her two days ago.  Rebecca came up to her and told her I was ‘love ’em  and leave ’em Benson’ and—”


“Wait, Rebecca Hendrix?” Elliot interrupted.


“Yeah.  We went out on a couple dates and had sex a few times.  Then I broke things off and told her that I needed to concentrate on school and basketball.  The real reason was that I didn’t wanna be outed.  I liked her all right I guess, but it wasn’t like with Alex.  I’m in love with her.  I’d never been in love with anyone before until Alex.  Rebecca told her that I always dump girls and go back to guys because Rebecca found out I slept with Brian a couple weeks later.  So Alex confronted me about it and accused me of just using her for sex and playing with her heart.  I swore to her that I wasn’t the girl Rebecca said I was.  She asked me why we couldn’t be together and I told her I couldn’t handle being ridiculed for coming out.  She asked me if I still loved her and I said I did.  Then she told me to prove to her that I wasn’t that girl and that I still loved her.  So we kissed and then went in the bathroom and…you know…” Olivia trailed off.


“Oh man, Liv,” Elliot commented.


“Yeah, I know.  So after we did it, Alex asked if that meant we were together again.  I told her I guess we were because I so desperately wanted her to believe I would never do that to her.  She said everything would be all right, that we’d get through this together, we’d be discreet, and I accepted that.  But then the next day I started getting scared again.  When Alex came up to my locker, a few kids started pointing and one even flicked his tongue out at us.  I freaked out, guys.  I ran off to class and when Alex hunted me down later, I told her we couldn’t do this and we couldn’t be seen together.  She started crying and said I’d just used her for sex.  I told her to leave me alone and I tried to walk away but she grabbed my arm.  So I shoved her and told her to stay away from me, then I ran to my car.”


“Did Alex follow you?” Kathy asked.


“No.  But she tried to call me later on that night.  She called me a few times but I never answered,” Olivia explained.  “So today I’m at my locker and then Nick Ganzner comes up and asks me if I’m going to the game.  I told him yeah so he asked me if I wanted to get somethin’ to eat before the game.  I accepted and later on he came to my locker again and we were flirting a little bit.  Of course, I’m lucky enough to have Alex come up to me after he leaves and she says, ‘So it was true what Rebecca said after all.  You date girls and then dump them for guys.  Next day though?  I never thought you moved so fast.’  I told her who I date was none of her business because we were no longer together and to get out of my face.  Then the bell rang and that was the last I saw of her until the game.  When I spotted her, I told Nick I wanted to go because I didn’t want her to see me.”


“Wow,” Elliot said.


“Yeah,” Olivia said dejectedly.  “I royally fucked up with Alex.  I promised her I’d never hurt her.  And all I’ve done lately is just that.  I didn’t mean to break her heart.  She’s never gonna speak to me again.”


“Yes she will, Liv.  When Alex came to talk to me on Monday about you, I told her you’d come around because love trumps fear.  Well guess what?  Love trumps anger, too,” Elliot assured her.


Olivia wiped her eyes as fresh tears fell.  “This is such a nightmare.  I keep hoping I’ll wake up and everything will be back to the way it was a few weeks ago.  We were so happy together, El.  So happy.  All I cared about was that I had the most wonderful girl in the world for a girlfriend.  Then homecoming started approaching and I started getting scared—wondering what people were gonna think.  Things were perfect and I ruined it because I was too chicken.  I don’t deserve Alex.”


“Yes, you do, Liv,” Kathy said, giving her a hug.  “You deserve to be happy.  Just give her time.  She’ll come around.  Like Elliot said, love trumps anger.”


“If I could take it all back, I would.  I was so mean to her.  And she didn’t do anything to deserve that.  All she did was love me.  I just…I just wish I could talk to her.  Make her understand.  Make her forgive me.  Make her love me again,” Olivia said, putting her head in her hands.


“Is there anything we can do, Liv?” Elliot asked.


Olivia sat back up.  “Yeah, there is.  Can you…can you talk to Alex?  Tell her I love her and I’m sorry.  For everything.  Tell her I just wanna make things right.”


Elliot looked at Kathy and sighed.  “I’ll try, Liv.  That’s all I can promise.”


Olivia nodded in understanding.  “Thank you.”  Standing up, she said, “Guys, I’m really exhausted.  Can you take me home?  I just wanna shower and put this whole ordeal behind me.”


Elliot and Kathy stood up as well.  “Are you sure you’re ok going home, Liv?” he asked. 


Olivia looked at him and smiled.  “Yeah.  Thanks so much guys.”


“No prob,” Kathy responded, as they headed to Elliot’s car.


When they got to Olivia’s house, Elliot walked her to the door.  “Listen, Liv.  If you need anything—anything at all—don’t hesitate to call me.  I don’t care what time it is.  Ok?”


Olivia smiled and gave him a hug.  “Got it.”


Olivia watched them drive off then walked into her house, which was shrouded in darkness.  Making her way down the hall, she walked in the bathroom, stripped off her clothes, and started the shower.  As the scalding hot water poured over her, she soaped and scrubbed her body, desperately trying to wash away the memory of Nick’s touches and kisses, the feel of his body on hers.  Getting out shivering 45 minutes later, she went over to the sink and brushed her teeth until her gums bled and then rinsed the metallic taste out her mouth.  As she looked in the mirror, she noticed how bloodshot her eyes were.  Her entire reflection reminded her of her betrayal of Alex.  Not able to stare at herself any longer, she threw on a wife beater and some shorts then trudged into the kitchen.  Thankful that her mom wasn’t home, she poured herself a glass of scotch as the tears began to fall again.  She winced as the dark liquid burned down her throat.  Pouring herself two more glasses, she threw back the liquor and then stumbled to her room, passing out on her bed.