Chapter 29:  Crazy for You

Damn it, how long can tumbling be? Olivia thought, tapping her foot impatiently.


After several minutes, Alex came around the corner, talking and laughing with a bunch of the other cheerleaders.  Olivia waited around until she saw Alex was alone.  “Alex!” she called out.


Knowing Olivia’s voice, Alex began to run in the other direction but Olivia caught up to her and grabbed her arm.  “Get your hands off me,” Alex snarled.


Olivia was hurt at Alex’s reaction to her but was determined to stand her ground.  “No, Alex.  I need to talk to you.” 


“I don’t have anything to say to you, Olivia.”


“Alex, just hear me out.  I just want to know one thing.  Please.”


“Why should I?” Alex demanded.


“Because you deserve to know why everything happened.  I don’t want you to hurt anymore, Alex.”


“It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?  I don’t wanna hear your lame excuses, Liv.”


Olivia looked at her desperately.  “Bab—Alex, I’m not gonna make any excuses.  Nothing excuses my behavior to you.  I take full responsibility for my actions.  Just let me explain myself.  Please.”


Alex folded her arms.  “I don’t have time for this, Liv.  I thought I made myself clear Friday night.  And you can stop calling me too.”


“Alex, please.  Just tell me one thing.  Look me in the eye and tell me again that you hate me.  That you never want to see me again.  Look me in the eye.”


Alex looked out the gym doors.  Then looking down at the floor, she responded quietly, “I can’t.”


Olivia couldn’t help but give a little smile.  Alex caught it and Olivia quickly became serious again.  “Do you still love me?”


Alex avoided her question.  Instead she asked, “Liv, why are you still trying to humiliate me?”


Olivia reached out to touch her again but after seeing Alex’s warning look, she dropped her hand.  “Alex, I’m not trying to humiliate you.  I just want to know the truth.”


Alex sighed.  “If I tell you yes, will you leave me alone?”




“Well then I’m not gonna tell you,” Alex said, trying to walk away but Olivia blocked her path.


“Alex, it doesn’t matter what you say, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”


Alex laughed—a bitter, humorless laugh.  “Don’t be so sure about that, Liv.”


Olivia stared at Alex for a moment.  “You’re not going off to boarding school.”


“I see you’ve been talking to Elliot,” Alex responded.  “You can’t stop me.”


“Well then I’ll go too,” Olivia said defiantly.


Alex snorted.  “Yeah right, Liv.  It’s $20,000 a year.”


“Then I’ll just get a fucking scholarship.  And I’ll demand they put me in the same dorm room with you!”


Alex laughed.  “You won’t know which school I’m going to.”


“I’ll find out,” Olivia insisted.


Alex sighed.  “Olivia, I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.  Besides.  Aren’t you afraid of someone seeing us together and thinkin’ you’re a big ol’ dyke?”


“No, I’m not.  Not anymore.  I’ll shout it to the whole world that I’m madly in love with you if I have to.  And I’m prepared to.”


Alex snorted again.  “Yeah, sure.”


“You don’t believe me?  Look.”  And with that, Olivia lifted up her jersey to reveal “I love Alex Cabot!” written across her bare breasts in red marker.


Alex gasped and instinctively reached out to cover Olivia’s breasts.  “Olivia!  Stop that before someone sees!”  When Olivia’s nipples hardened immediately, Alex yanked back her hands and said, “Ew.  Gross.”


Olivia felt a pang of hurt shoot through her.  Pulling down her jersey, she asked, “Alex, do I really repulse you that much now?”


“No, Liv.  I just don’t wanna touch you after he’s been all over you.  Besides, I can’t stand the idea of him feeling up your boobs.”


“He only touched them through my bra, Alex.”


Alex looked at her in surprise.  “You mean…he never saw them?”


Olivia shook her head.  “Nope.”


“But your bra was unfastened when you got out the car.”


“Yeah, but it never came off.”


“Still, I don’t want his germs,” Alex said, though secretly pleased.


Olivia sighed.  “Alex, do you have any idea how many times I’ve showered since then?  I scrubbed so hard I almost made my skin bleed because I felt so fucking dirty after Nick touched me.  All I wanted to do was wash away the memory of him anywhere near me.  Trust me, any germs he left on me are long gone.  I even made my gums bleed from brushing so hard.”


Alex was again secretly satisfied at Olivia’s answer.  “How many people have you shown that to?” she demanded.


“Only you.  So far,” Olivia grinned.


“You better not!” Alex exclaimed.


“If you don’t listen to me, then I’ll get it tattooed and I’ll flash people all the time.  Even Cragen and Munch.” 


Alex laughed in spite of herself.  “Liv, you are completely insane.  When did you write that?”


“After practice,” she responded simply.  “You know, you hurt the pokies’ feelings.”


“Oh no, Liv.  We are not going down this road,” Alex began, shaking her head.


“They think you don’t like them anymore,” Olivia whined, pouting.


“Oh my god, Liv!  Stop!  If all you came to do was flash me your boobs and talk about how your nipples got offended then this conversation is over,” Alex informed her.


Olivia giggled.  Alex let out a little giggle, too before she could stop herself.  “I swear you are crazy, Liv.”


“Crazy for you,” Olivia retorted passionately.


“Olivia…” Alex began, getting serious again.


“No, Alex.  I really mean that.  I love you so much.  I’d never been in love before you.  Through you, I found out what it was truly like to love and be loved in return.  And I’d never felt anything like that.  All I wanted to do was be with you and make you happy.  I never really cared what other people thought until homecoming started approaching.  Then I got scared.  I was afraid of everyone at school finding out and making my life hell.  It already sucked enough as it was.  I also thought about what would happen if you decided you couldn’t take the pressure of being out with me and wanted to leave me.  Then I would’ve come out for nothing and I’d have lost both others’ respect for me and you.  I got so caught up in thinking about all the worst case scenarios that I lost sight of the beautiful thing I had right in front of me.  You.  Our love.  What’s sad is that I was so scared that everyone else was gonna take my happiness from me but I was the one who did that myself.”


Alex felt her heart melting slightly.  “Oh, Liv…I never would’ve done that.”


“Yeah well, it’s a lot easier said than done.  I guess I got so scared of what others would think of me that I didn’t stop to really think about what you would think of me.  The one who really mattered.  That is, until Friday night.  When you said you hated me, I couldn’t take it.  It crushed me.  I just wanted to die.  I realized then that I could deal with the whole world hating me but not you.  And I also realized that I was much more afraid of losing you for good than being outed.”


Alex sighed.  “Liv…but why did you have to go out with Nick?  You were gonna sleep with him.  Two days after you’d slept with me, might I add.  I thought you said you didn’t want anyone but me.”


Olivia reached out and touched Alex’s arm.  This time she didn’t object.  “And that’s still true.  That was proven to me Friday night.  The whole time I was with him, I kept thinking about you.  I saw your beautiful face, I saw you hurting.  I saw us.  And his touches repulsed me.  His hands were so rough and awkward against my skin but yours are so soft, so gentle.  No matter how much I tried to make myself enjoy it, I just couldn’t.  I tried to want him but all I could do was want you.  I only went out with him because I wanted to get my mind off you.  I was absolutely miserable.  I swear I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Alex.  And I wanted to actually see if I could even feel a little of what I felt with you with someone else.  To see if I could move on.  I couldn’t, no matter how much I tried to force it.  I knew I belonged to you,” Olivia explained sincerely.


“Well, I’m sorry I ruined your idea of a romantic evening,” Alex mumbled bitterly.


“Don’t be.  It definitely wasn’t romantic after he made that comment about you.”


“What comment?” Alex asked.


Olivia took a deep breath.  Letting it out, she answered, “He said, ‘Maybe you should tell your friend Alex how good it feels.  You know…I bet once she’s had a good fucking she won’t be a lesbo anymore.  I’d love to be the one to show her someday.’  So I pushed him off me and told him to stop.  He said he was sorry, that it was just a joke.  He tried to start things up again and when he got back on top of me I kneed him in the balls.  That’s the real reason I didn’t have sex with him.  Then when I got out the car and saw Serena and then your face, I just wanted to sink into the ground.  I…I felt so ashamed Alex.  I’d never felt so horrible in my life.”


Alex let a tear drop down her cheek.  “He said that about me?  But Liv…you said practically the same thing.  You said dick wasn’t so bad and maybe I oughta try it sometime.  That really hurt, Liv.  I never expected you to say anything like that.  Then again, I didn’t expect you to do most of the things you’ve done in the past few weeks.  It was like I didn’t even know you anymore.”


“Alex, no.  Don’t say that.  It wasn’t the same!  I didn’t mean any of it.  I was just so angry and hurt that you called me a slut!  I wasn’t thinking!  I wished I could take it back as soon as I’d said it.”  She paused and picked up Alex’s hands, clasping them tightly in her own.  “Alex…I am so sorry about all of this.  I know I’m a fuckup.  But please.  Give me another chance.  Give us another chance.  I promise you I’ll never do anything like this again.”


Alex looked down at their hands then looked back up at Olivia again.  “But you betrayed me, Liv.  I don’t know if I can.  It’s going to be hard to trust you with my heart again.  I cannot go through this again, Liv.  And I won’t.”


“And I won’t make you again.  You have to believe me.  If I could go back in time and erase all this, I would.  Please, Al.  All I could think about today when I saw you was how beautiful you were, how much I loved you, how all I wanted to do was touch you and I couldn’t.  How soft your skin was, how full your lips were, how good your hair smelled, how good you feel next to me, how sweet you taste—”


Alex yanked her hands away.  “Stop it, Liv!  Just stop.  I won’t listen to you getting off on me after everything you did.  You already made me feel like a piece of meat when you fucked me then dumped me.  Then one day after you dump me, you’re moving on to the next person waiting in line.  Like I can be so easily discarded.”


“Alex, it wasn’t like that!”


“If I had a nickel for every time you said that…” Alex said, rolling her eyes.


“Alex, I’m serious.  You were not a piece of meat to me.  And I’d never think of you as something I could discard!”


“You discarded me for Nick!”


“Alex, no I did not!  Nick asked me Friday morning if I was going to the game.  Then when I told him I was, he asked if I wanted to get dinner before.  So I said yes.  It’s not like he asked me first and then I dumped you.  Or that I dumped you because I wanted to go out with him all along.”


“How would you have felt if I had done all this, Liv?” Alex asked.


Olivia looked down and then looked back up at Alex.  “It would’ve hurt, Alex.  A lot,” she said with tears in her eyes.


“You promised you’d never hurt me, Liv!  And you did!  What did I do to deserve this?” Alex asked, tears flowing down her cheeks.


Olivia grabbed Alex to her and hugged her, her own tears flowing freely.  “Nothing.  Alex, I’m so sorry, I never meant to.  Please, please forgive me.”


Alex pulled back and wiped her eyes.  “I’m tired of crying over you, Liv.  Now every time I see you I end up crying.  I can’t take this.  Love isn’t supposed to hurt so much!”


“So you still love me?” Olivia asked, looking deeply into her eyes.


“Yes, Liv!  Would I be hurting so much if I didn’t?” Alex questioned exasperatedly.


“It hurts me to see you hurt,” Olivia said, stroking her face.  “Let me take your pain away.”  She leaned in to kiss her but Alex turned her head.  Olivia swallowed hard, trying to force down the hurt.


“Stop it, Liv.  It hurts too much to be with you right now.  I need time to heal.  You didn’t expect me to just fall right back into your arms, did you?” Alex asked incredulously.


“But Alex, I love you so much.  I can’t live without you in my life,” Olivia confessed.


Alex looked down.  When she looked back up, she said, “It’s going to take time, Liv.  I can’t be with you now.  I just can’t.”


Olivia looked to the side and wiped away a tear.  Turning back to Alex, she took a step toward her and asked, “How long?”


Alex turned her head and shrugged, a tear falling as she looked back at Olivia. 


“Well…can we at least be friends?” Olivia asked hopefully.


“I dunno.  I need time to think about it.  Olivia, I will not be your friend with benefits.”


“Alex, I don’t want that.  I don’t need you for sex.” 


Alex glared at her.  “Fuck—” she began.


Olivia smirked.  “I have your picture,” she continued.


Alex gasped.  “Liv!  You don’t…you wouldn’t!”


“Oh yeah.  I would,” she said, nodding.  “After all, you did tell Elliot to tell me to go fuck myself.”


Alex shook her head.  “That’s not what I meant!”


Olivia grinned.  “You know that one pic where you’re in your uniform and one leg is raised—”


“Stop it,” Alex interrupted.


“Or that one where you’re wearing the halter—” she continued.


“Olivia, I am never giving you another picture of me again.”


Olivia giggled.  “Come on, Al.  At least be my friend.  I need to have you in my life some way.”


Alex sighed.  “Ok, Liv.  Give me a week.  And before we ever get back together, you’re gonna have to prove to me that you’re 100 percent committed to me—and just me.  And that you aren’t gonna run away again.”


Olivia smiled.  “Done.  Can I…can I have a hug?”


Alex noticed Olivia’s nipples hardening through her jersey.  “Oh no!  No you don’t!  Stop trying to influence my decision!”


“Stop what?” Olivia asked.  She then followed Alex’s gaze down to her chest.  “Oh…um… they wanna be friends too.”


Alex turned to walk away.  Olivia pulled her back and said, “Come on, Al.  I can’t help it.  You’re the only person who has ever been able to just look at me a certain way and make me wet.”


Alex’s mouth dropped open in shock.  “No, Liv.  We are not going there.” 


“Well, it’s true!” 


Alex felt a throbbing in her center.  She silently cursed her body’s betrayal of her.  “Olivia, I am serious.  Fix those right now!”


Olivia feigned ignorance.  “How?”


“I don’t know!  Push them in!  Go put on a bra!  Get nipple guards!  Something!”


Olivia began to pull up her jersey.  “No, Liv!  Not in front of me!  Turn around!”


Olivia groaned and turned around.  She began to pull it up again, when Alex grabbed her arm.  “No, someone might see.  Do it in the locker room,” she said, dragging her in.


“Geez, Alex.  Make up your mind!”  Olivia stripped off her jersey and Alex gasped at the sight of her bare breasts.  Gulping, she cursed herself again for the throbbing that had returned as she stared at the “I love Alex Cabot!” written in big red letters.


“You’re doing this on purpose!” Alex accused as Olivia’s nipples hardened even more.


“You’re staring at my tits, Alex!  You’re doing this, not me!”


“That’s because my name is on them!”


Olivia snickered.  She pulled on her bra and then put her jersey back on.  “Satisfied?”


Alex gulped.  “Yes.”


Olivia moved closer to her.  “You know, Alex.  What they say is true.  I do love Alex Cabot.”


Alex smiled despite herself.  “You’re silly.  I still can’t believe you wrote that!”  Olivia chuckled in response.


Just then, they heard Serena’s voice.  “Alex, is that you?  Where the hell have you been?  I thought you’d been kidnapped or something!”  Coming around the corner and spotting Olivia, she stated dryly, “Well I guess you were.”


Olivia rolled her eyes.  “Don’t worry, Serena.  I didn’t kidnap her.”


Serena moved right up to Olivia’s face and said, “Stay away from Alex.”


Olivia eyed her coldly.  “Get out of my face.”


“Make me.  I’m not afraid of you, Olivia.  And I won’t let you hurt Alex again.”


“I’m not trying to hurt her, Serena.  I love her.”


Serena put her hands on her hips and stared Olivia down.  “You are not going to worm your way back into her life.  Besides.  How are you able to fit Alex into your busy dick-riding schedule?”


Olivia shoved her hard.  Serena shoved her back.  “Stop it, you guys!” Alex yelled.


Ignoring Alex, Serena yelled, “You’re nothing but trash!  And you’re a coward!”


Olivia slammed Serena into the lockers with enormous force.  “I’ll show you a coward, bitch!”


Serena grabbed her hair and Olivia clawed at her face.  Serena retaliated by slapping her as hard as she could, both ignoring Alex’s cries for them to stop. 


“Ow, you stupid bitch!” Olivia yelled, backhanding her across the mouth.


“Fuck you, whore!” Serena yelled back, pulling on Olivia’s jersey.


Olivia had just pulled her fist back to punch Serena in the face when Alex grabbed her arm.  “Olivia, don’t!  Stop!” Alex screamed, trying to pull Olivia back from Serena.  Olivia stepped back, her chest heaving.  Alex got between the two of them, turning from one to the other.


“Listen, guys.  There is no reason to fight!  Just calm down!” Alex pleaded.


“I can’t believe you’re even giving her the time of day, Alex,” Serena said, shaking her head and folding her arms.


“This is none of your business.  Stay out of it,” Olivia told her angrily.


“If you break my best friend’s heart, then it most certainly is my business,” Serena said, staring Olivia down.


Olivia clenched her jaw.  “Alex is a big girl.  Let her handle this.”


Serena continued to glare at her with disdain.  “Listen, Olivia.  I was the one who wiped her tears away when you told her you were going to homecoming with your ex instead of her.  I was the one who wiped her tears away when you ran out on her at Matt’s party.  I was the one who wiped her tears away when you dumped her the second time.  I was the one Friday night who held her as she cried and vomited after seeing you betray her with Nick!  After all you’d done to hurt her, you had to give her the biggest slap in the face of all!  Then Saturday night, she had to spend the night at my place because she said she couldn’t bear to be in her own room anymore because everything there reminded her of you and what you did.  You’re a selfish and cruel bitch, and I’m tired of seeing Alex crying her eyes out over you.  You don’t deserve any of her tears!  It’s obvious that you don’t care about her.  You only care about yourself!”


“That’s not true!  I love Alex more than anything in this world!  I’d die for her!” Olivia screamed as fresh tears fell.


Serena went to go wash away the blood from the scratches on her face and the cut on her lip.  “Save it, Olivia.  If it was up to me, you’d never see Alex again.”


“Well it’s not fucking up to you!” Olivia yelled.


“Guys, stop it,” Alex demanded.  “This isn’t gonna solve anything.  Look.  I appreciate the fact that both of you care about me, but I have a lot of thinking to do on my own.  I need time, and I need to be the one who decides in the end.  I need you guys to both respect that and the last thing I need is the two people I care the most about ripping each other apart.  Please don’t fight anymore about this.  For me?”


Olivia nodded and Serena sighed.  “Fine, Alex.  I’ll wait for you in the car,” Serena relented, giving Olivia one last glare before she turned to leave.


When Serena had left, Olivia went over to Alex and touched her arm.  “Alex…sweetie, I am so sorry I caused you all that pain.  And it really hurts to know she was there for you when I wasn’t.  I always wanna be there for you, Alex.  Please let me make it up to you,” Olivia begged.


Alex folded her arms and looked down.  Fresh tears began to fall.  Olivia wrapped her arms around her and held her tight.  “No, sweetie.  No more tears.  It’s gonna be ok,” she cooed, rubbing her back.  Pulling back, she wiped her tears away.  Then holding Alex’s face in both hands and looking her in the eye, she said, “Alex, I love you—so so much.  All I wanna do is make you smile from now on.  All I need for you to do is to let me.”


“Olivia…it’s gonna take time,” Alex said, looking down.


“I’m willing to wait forever if I have to,” Olivia replied, eyeing her intently.


Alex pulled out of her embrace.  “I can’t believe you were gonna deck Serena.”


Olivia sighed.  “Alex…I’m sorry.  She just made me so mad!”


“Would you ever hit me?”


Olivia looked at her in horror.  “No, baby.  God, no.  I’d rather die!”


“I don’t want you getting into fights with anymore of my friends,” Alex scolded sternly.


“Baby, she provoked me,” Olivia whined.


“I don’t care, Olivia.  She’s still my friend.  She’s just looking out for me.”


Olivia sighed again.  “Ok, Alex.”


Alex picked up her bag.  “I should get going.”


Olivia nodded.  “Can I have one more hug?”


Alex gave a little smile.  “Only if you—and the pokies—promise to behave.”


Olivia giggled.  “We promise.”  She wrapped her arms tightly around Alex, who returned the embrace.  “I don’t ever wanna let you go,” she whispered in her ear.


“Liv…you promised…”


“Ok, ok,” Olivia said, pulling back.  “I love you.”


“I love you too, Liv.  See ya later,” Alex said, waving as she walked out the locker room.